Are we just settling for OK?
A topic that’s been on my mind for some time now and more prevalent since travelling, having spoken to people about this. Before I go on, I’m no expert, it’s all my view / opinion so put your gun away and keyboard down. Don’t attack. Don’t expect a long blog (I’ve said this before I know; I’ll do my best), but mainly jobs and relationships. Are our needs being met? Are we so hopelessly in love that we are blind to our needs?
RELATIONSHIPS – is it really love? Does it serve you?
Many of us have been there. We enter into a new relationship and it’s fucking awesome, the standard phrase, ‘Honey-moon period’. It’s incredible right? You think it will last forever, naturally, you feel happy, the pleasure is there, and some people then drop their guard, stop doing the things they used to and before you know it, you’re in a rut. One of the 2 or sometimes both, change and get comfortable. It’s happened to me on both sides, I’ve got comfortable or the other half has – mainly the other half 😉, I’m a hopeless romantic. When we are not aware of this, it’s not much of an issue but deep down, we’re just settling, or are we? We’re all different so I’m being open here and very general.
When we know something is wrong though and we do not like it, what do we do? Tell the other half what’s bothering you? Sit them down, have a ‘heart to heart’? What if they don’t listen? We do it again – sit down and tell them? Shed some tears? It’s a whirlwind of emotions of wanting it to work but not feeling that spark that was once there, not feeling the affection? The small things start disappearing. The tricky part comes when the small things which are little and often; I’m talking daily or very regular acts of kindness, emotion, affection, passion, whatever it is, but the small things. These things are then replaced by the bigger, grand, less often gestures. Most of the time, these involve material things, and many people enjoy this and I’m not one to judge, each to their own. So, it’s when this happens and you have conflicting feelings or I like to call it, inner civil war. The bigger gestures give you that little pleasure, but it’s short term, the pleasure soon goes and you’re back to square one, wanting that affection again which is not there. You know where I’m going with this right – pleasure or happiness?
The smaller acts for me are what creates happiness and love – these go missing and when you know it, you need to decide. Accept what’s going on or stand up for what you really want / need. Easier said than done, I know that, and again, we’re all different and have different values and needs. For me, love is beautiful and settling for a relationship that does not serve my needs, is a big no and red flag. Imagine the love you give to someone who doesn’t meet your needs? Go on, really imagine it – feel the feeling of love and happiness you give them AND then you don’t get your values met.
And now imagine the love you can give to someone who meets your needs and you get ten-fold in return. Seriously, close your eyes and feel that love, the cuddles, the holding hands, the walks, the public display of affection (if you like that) – FEEL it!
Now, what do you really want?
There are probably many reasons why people settle and remain in relationships
- Fear of being alone and not being loved, at all
I’ve been here. Holding on to a relationship in my early twenties, knowing I don’t want to be in it but scared of being alone. It’s that lack of self-esteem that takes over here.
- Societal pressures of being with someone. Body clock for you ladies
How many of you ladies have been asked “have you got kids?” “Don’t you want kids” or in general for both men and women – standard questions about are you with anyone. Working on myself changed my perception about relationships and wants.
- Fear of letting go of someone that may change
Let’s face it, you like or love the person. You want to be with them. You’ve told them once or more about how you feel and they still don’t change. But…what if they do change. Bollocks to that. How many times do you tell someone? Stick to your values
- Sunk-cost fallacy
You’ve spent and invested so much time and love into a relationship so you couldn’t possible walk away from this, right? Wrong! It’s a shit investment, walk! Let’s say you’ve spent a few months, a year, or even 2, you’re in your 20’s or even 30’s – screw it, age doesn’t matter – what about the rest of your life? Do you really want to waste it, investing in something with no return? Go and find the magic elsewhere – better that, within you, it’s there. The rest will happen. If you invest £10,000 or $ into a portfolio that was losing you money monthly, soon, you’ll have nothing left. What do you do?
On another note, we ALL have flaws. It’s impossible to meet someone without flaws. There will be some flaws you just got to accept in a partner and that doesn’t mean you’re settling, as long as your needs and values are catered for, you’re in a good place.
I’ve heard it before, single people being called selfish or picky. This can be a reason sometimes people even get into a relationship, knowing they are not really wanting to. I would say the total opposite to the first statement about picky / selfish. If anything, you know what you want, have true meaning to your values and do not want to be in something that you know is not serving you. If you’re worried about being single, don’t be – it has many positives. You can spend the time with your family and friends, learn new skills, work on your own self-worth and development, travel the world – and when you do then get into a relationship, you will attract what you want and deserve and be in a better state to give your love to that person and better that, to receive the love.
No more needs to be said here, like I said before, I’m no expert and wanted to have a little say in the matter.
JOB – are you fulfilled? Is it meeting your needs?
I did want to touch on this but my energy has been taken from relationships ha-ha so I won’t go too much into it. In short, are you fulfilled in your job? Does it serve your needs and do you look forward to going to work? Ok, the money might be good, you can do things with the money. We are all different though and our life’s needs are very different and also family situations are different, again, I’m being very general. As well as a full-time job paying me a decent salary, I was also policing as a police officer, and not getting paid. Guess what gave me more happiness? You bet, policing! Earning over £60k wasn’t doing it for me. I was happier earning £30k. So back in March, I decided to take the plunge and leave the well-paid job, also having then rejected a job offer of £75k. All because I wasn’t fulfilled and will never settle for “ok”. After my travels, I will continue helping others via this blog and mentorships as well as going full time into the police – just google police officer salary in the UK and you will see the difference.
I’m not telling you to leave your well-paid job, far from it, what I’m saying is what pulls your heart strings? What makes you wake up every morning? Are you fulfilled in what you day, every day, day in, day out, all year? Again, I’m generalising, your situation may dictate your job so don’t attack but society for me tends to settle or just allows others to make decisions for them when in fact, it doesn’t serve their needs
Here’s a great article on human needs https://www.homeopathy360.com/the-6-human-needs-are-dr-nishant-davda/
Many of us tend to live by 3 of these, if not, it’s worth having a real think about this. It doesn’t mean this will be forever or your needs will never change or even that the others don’t matter. But having 3, at the forefront of your decision making always helps – it’s certainly helped me. Maybe take some time and go through these. Now you’re wondering what my 3 are, here goes, in no particular order:
Love / Connection
I would add certainty has been a major part in the last 10 years though due to so much uncertainty as a child but coming to Thailand has allowed me to live differently and almost let lose a little.
Hopefully, you can make some use of this post. If you’re wanting to work through your needs and life’s values but struggling to put this into context, join my mentoring package where we specifically work on these Work with me
Rishi ‘the hopeless romantic’