Just Get Through Today

It’s been 2 months since I last wrote. I didn’t really plan that, I just haven’t felt the need to. And today is my brother’s 13th anniversary.

Thirteen years. It’s a strange feeling. Not necessarily overwhelming sadness, and not necessarily anything I can neatly put into words. More of a flat feeling, perhaps. One of those days where you know the significance of the date, you know what it represents, but you don’t necessarily feel like doing anything big with it. And that’s okay.

Today, I’m just going with the flow. I trained back and biceps at the gym, spent some time on the static bike, and now I’m writing. Nothing particularly profound or planned. I’m just taking my next step.

And actually, I think that’s something I’ve learnt over the years. Sometimes you don’t need to get through a period of time. You just need to get through the moment you’re in.

A day can feel like a long way away when you’re struggling. A week can feel impossible, and a month can feel like something you don’t even want to think about. So sometimes the answer is simply to bring everything back down to what is immediately in front of you. Get up. Have a shower. Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Eat something. Do some work. Make a cup of coffee. Watch something. Take a breath. Then take the next step. Sometimes that’s enough.

This time of year is always a difficult one for me. My brother’s anniversary is today. It would have been my mum’s birthday later this month, and her anniversary comes in January. Before she died, she also spent the entire December of 2015 in hospital. So there are a lot of memories attached to these months. A lot of dates, a lot of moments and a lot of reminders of people who aren’t here anymore.

But I’ve learnt not to put myself under pressure to feel a certain way.

Some days are hard. Some days are heavier than others. And some days, strangely, I can get through the entire day without really thinking about any of it.

That used to make me feel guilty.

I used to think that if I hadn’t thought about them that day, perhaps I wasn’t remembering them enough. Perhaps I was somehow moving on too much. Perhaps not feeling the sadness meant I wasn’t carrying them with me in the way I should.

I don’t feel guilty about that anymore.

Because I’ve realised something: grief isn’t measured by how often you think about someone. It isn’t measured by how much you hurt on their anniversary. It isn’t measured by whether you cry, or whether you have a difficult day, or whether you feel completely fine.

You don’t stop loving someone because you have a day where you’re busy, happy, distracted or simply living your life.

If anything, perhaps that’s part of what we eventually learn to accept. Life carries on. And carrying on doesn’t mean forgetting. It means living.

There are days when memories are right there with you. There are days when they sit quietly in the background. And there are days when you barely think about them at all. All of those days are okay.

I think we can put far too much pressure on ourselves to make certain days meaningful. Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, dates that carry significance. We think we should feel something profound. We think we should mark the occasion in a certain way. But sometimes you don’t want to write a huge tribute. Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it. Sometimes you just want to get through the day.

And that’s okay too.

Today isn’t about doing anything big. It’s about taking the next step.

That’s actually what Tyns365 has always meant to me: taking your next step, 365 days a year. Not necessarily making huge changes or achieving something extraordinary every day. Sometimes the next step is tiny. Sometimes it’s simply getting through the moment you’re in.

I’ve had plenty of moments where the next step has felt difficult. I’ve had days where I’ve had to dig a little deeper, find some strength and remind myself that the feeling I’m experiencing in that moment isn’t going to last forever.

And I’ve also learnt that strength doesn’t always look like pushing through everything with a smile on your face. Sometimes strength is simply acknowledging that today is one of those days and then getting through it anyway.

Not perfectly. Not dramatically. Just honestly.

So today, on my brother’s 13th anniversary, I’m not trying to make this into something it isn’t. I’m not trying to create some profound lesson from it. I’m just writing, because that’s something I’ve missed doing over the last month.

I’m remembering him. I’m thinking about my mum and the difficult time of year that is approaching. I’m also going to carry on with my day.

And perhaps that’s the lesson in itself.

We don’t always need to know how we’re going to get through the next week, the next month or even the next chapter.

Sometimes we just need to get through the moment we’re in.

Then take the next step.

And if tomorrow feels easier, I’ll take that.

If tomorrow feels harder, I’ll deal with that too.

One day at a time.

Sometimes, that’s more than enough.