Sometimes I’ll look at an old photo of my mum and just stare at it. I have no idea why. My thoughts go blank. My mind feels like it’s hit the pause button. My breathing becomes deeper. After 5-6 seconds I’ll look away, almost forcefully or scroll to the next in the gallery. I then continue as if nothing just happened.
A few occasions of the above have been followed by a steady stream of tears, and sometimes a not so steady but relenteless fall of tears with the inability to hold them back. Deep in my heart however I allow it. I know it’s needed. I know I’m safe. I know allowing this fall of tears will make me feel better after the moment which could last anything from 1 to 5 minutes. For that time, I feel sorry for myself, I’m desperate to talk to my mum again, to hear her voice that last time, to hold her hand for a split second, to hear her laugh again, the feeling of hopelessness arrives again, that f***er, always been around me since my childhood. It used to control me. Now, I manage it and kick it away after it’s had it’s say.
But then reality comes back and I bring myself back to the moment. I’m then aware that none of the above is possible. I’ll never physically experience any of that ever again but each one of the above is there, all I have to do is close my eyes and think. Yes, it’s followed by a steady stream once again, like now, whilst I type, but, the feeling of any of the above outweighs the tears. I know I can call upon the love and bond I shared with my mum. I know she’s always around. As strange as it may seem to some, she’s with me always. My front room has a photo cabinet which is dominated by my mum. I sometimes smile at her when I walk past. When I’m working out or dancing like a clown in my front room, I’m sometimes embarrassed thinking she’s watching me and give her a cheeky grin, but hey, this works for me. Physical form is a temporary feeling. Love and memories are within you always.
Thank you for reading and enough love to you all going through any adversity. You’ve got this.
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